The Secret I Must Never Telll
by CrazyWriter
Summary: Mary Anne doesn't think anything will ever be right again after losing her rock. Certainly they won't ever be normal again. And when something does make her feel right again, it seems wrong... and anything but normal.


_**Hellooooooo again!!! Hope u like this nu ficcy! Plz review, review, review!!!!**_

_Chapter One_

Everything is an enemy to my mind. There is nothing that doesn't assault my brain with painful memories. It's not even a matter of just avoiding certain things. When I look down at my own hand, all I can remember is Dawn clutching it, nails digging in, her bony hand gripping my own. The couch, the phone, clothes. Everything reminds me of Dawn.

I think, unless a miracle happens, I will be driven insane by the ghost my mind constructed.

_8 months ago..._

_"Dawn, do you want to grab something to eat at the Rosebud?" Dawn and I were hanging out after school. I was doing my nails, she was addressing mailings for the SHS Sierra Club._

_"Nah, Mary Anne. I'm really trying to eat healthier. Do you know how many preservatives the Rosebud puts in their salad dressing?"_

_I'd admired her for her committment to eating healthy. I even tried to do it myself. I gave up chips for apples and steak for seitan. But I could never be as good as Dawn._

_And she never let any of us forget our failings too. She wasn't trying to be mean, I don't think, just encourage us and make herself feel good. "God, Mal, you know, you could eat as much as you wanted if you just ate healthy," she said, pinching Mal's stomach. "Just gorge on celery instead of Rocky Road!" _

_If only Dawn had gorged on Rocky Road just once..._

Now, looking back, I can't believe that someone didn't stop her. Where were Sharon and Richard during all this? Where were the rest of the BSC members? Why was I the only one who saw what my sweet, sweet sister was doing to herself?

I even tried to bring it up several times with Richard and Sharon...Never again will I call them my parents. They just sighed and said that many teen girls go through things like this. Even Sharon did! You just have to wait it out.

Oh, they did some things. Hired a nutrionist, put her in counseling. They bought all the food she liked best. But they also got her a gym membership. Went clothes shopping with her. Sharon would comment on her figure. They thought she was just getting trim and maintaining her weight. They didn't know she was slowly destroying herself.

I hate them. I hate them for not seeing it. Or for not caring if they did. Or knowing what to do. I hate them for not holding her down and shoving tofu-bran loaf in her mouth. I hate them for falling for her lies, blaming her environmentalism, encouraging her without realizing it.

I hate everyone. If the memories don't drive me insane, this rage and resentment will.

I think even Dawn knew what she was doing to herself, in the end. I remember the last time we talked...

_"Mary Anne? Could I have some toast or veggie broth...I feel so weak..."_

I rushed to the nurse's station at the hospital. For the last three days of her life, Dawn ate. Of course, her heart was so weakened by then that it couldn't save her from massive heart failure.

I cry and look at the walls. The Clueless Twins, as I like to call those people who refer to themselves as my parents, have gone to pick up Jeff at the airport. He's going to spend the new school year here. Apparently it's good for our family to get back to "normal." How normal can my junior year be without my sister? How can I get my license in just a few weeks, without Dawn there for my first spin? How can Jeff start high school? How can… how can we ever recover from the Summer of Her Death?

Sometimes, when I'm really angry, I think that Sharon and Dad wanted it to happen, that they ignored it because they didn't really love Dawn. After all, Sharon and Dawn had spent most of our sophomore year fighting, over Dawn's dating choices. It surprised everyone that Sharon hit the roof when Dawn told her she was in love with Janine Kishi. It also surprised everyone that Dad was the supportive parent.

I thought maybe Janine and I could be good friends after Dawn died, after all, she like me tried to get Dawn to eat, to make everyone understand. But she didn't stick around Stoney Brook after the funeral. The next morning she was off to a summer intensive at Princeton. I don't blame her. We all miss Dawn. Janine ran away.

Me, I just rage and remember.

There's a tapping at the door. I look up to see a blond head poking in...Just the same shade of blond as Dawn's. Jeff's even allowed his hair to grow down to his shoulders...So that's what Sharon was complaining about the other day. She was saying how everyone would think he was a stoner. He did have that grungy look. I had all these thought in the first few seconds before he spoke.

"Hey."

"Hi..."

Jeff shuffles in. His hair kind of looks like a mane, like he's a wounded lion. He sits on the foot of my bed. I start to say something and then I realize I don't have. Jeff nods. It's like he read my thoughts. I get up and put on a CD. He introduced me to the Grateful Dead over winter break. I play it softly and sit on my bed next to him.

The Silence Is Glorious.

No one really thought about it, but Dawn and Jeff were closer than a lot of brothers and sister that are around. Definitely closer than Creepy Mal is to the rest of the Pikes. They e-mailed almost every day and texted so much that they had to get on the same plan. But now, Jeff is probably just as lost as me. It feels good to have someone to share the pain with.

Maybe that's why I'm so upset. I feel like no one has been as miserable as I am. Sure, the other girls cried a lot and they miss Dawn and Kristy organized a memorial with all of our old charges. And the SHS Sierra Club did a fundraiser. And Sharon cries at the kitchen table a lot. And Janine ran off but...

But the pain was so intense for me. A vast immensity that I could not dare cross. I fell into the pit of despair. The world still flies by every day but... my life has stopped. My world has shattered. Nothing is safe. Each thought is assaulted. Each memory is compromised with anguish.

I cannot bear this burden alone.


End file.
